Welcome to Breaking Free from Codependency
Access each session, all of the exercises, and the questions and comments below …
SESSION ONE: Connecting to the Authentic You
This first session is all about acknowledging and eliminating negative conscious and subconscious patterns of thought and learning to let go of who you think you should be so you can step into the authenticity of who you really are …
Questions to Ask Yourself and Journal
- What wears you down?
- Are your codependent patterns recognizable?
- Do you respond or react?
- Do you feel shame and/or guilt?
- What are your codependent patterns?
- Now if you could turn that all around, what would you want to do and be in the world?
- What are the first few images that pop into your mind?
- When have you done what others have told you to do even if it doesn’t feel right?
- What was the result of going against your true nature?
- What might have been a better choice?
- Are you the person that goes around asking everyone what he or she should do?
SESSION TWO: Letting Go of People Pleasing and Approval Seeking
This second session is about helping you gain a true and deep understanding of your worthiness without needing the validation or approval of others.
You ARE worthy, regardless of whether or not you are giving to others. And you do NOT need to sacrifice yourself to gain acceptance!
Your worthiness is not dependent on anything outside of yourself, but rather on your own self-validation and self-love.
Accordingly, we’ll spend this session on actual techniques you can use to look WITHIN rather than outside yourself for acknowledgment, validation and approval …
Questions to Ask Yourself and Journal
- Do you have difficulty saying “no” in fear you will upset someone?
- Do you hesitate, constantly looking for the perfect thing to say or do?
- Do you have nervous laughter at the most inappropriate times?
- Do you have difficulty ending things such as conversations, friendships, romantic relationships, and instead tend to drag things on forever?
- Do you agree with everyone even if it goes against your value system?
- Do you fear judgment and does this fear cause you anxiety in social situations? Do you over think everything you do or say?
- Are you afraid to get upset or anger others?
- Do you think you have to be the life of the party and always have something funny or engaging to say?
- Do you second guess yourself? Are you often self-conscious and find yourself thinking you should have done something different in a situation?
- Do you apologize excessively for minor transgressions?
- Does your body language illustrate submissiveness? Do you typically look away or keep your eyes down?
- Do you put the needs of others first and foremost above your own needs?
- Do You have difficulty saying exactly what you desire and expect others to read your mind?
- Do you always try to fit in?
SESSION THREE: Boundaries: When “Yes” Means “No”
This session is about one of the most difficult things for us as codependents … learning how to set healthy boundaries.
Learning to set healthy boundaries doesn’t mean always saying, “No.” But, it does mean when you say, “Yes,” you really mean it.
Unfortunately, we were never taught how to set healthy boundaries and the necessity and importance of learning how to take care of ourselves. But, we must learn to do so, first and foremost, before we can ever really care for someone else.
So, that’s precisely what you’ll learn to do in this session … put yourself first in a loving, healthy, and respectful manner.
Questions to Ask Yourself and Journal
- What do I need in a relationship in order to feel safe, and protected?
- What are my absolute deal breakers in a relationship?
- What do I absolutely must receive in a relationship?
- What kind of role model do I want to be to my child and grandchild?
- What do I want my child and grandchild to know about me?
- What do I believe about money?
- What belief do I need to change about money?
- How can I be more in alignment with abundance?
- What kinds of friends would I like to have?
- What is the one quality in a person I truly appreciate?
- What kind of intimacy do I wish to experience with others?
- What area of my life do I wish to change immediately?
- What are my top five priorities in life?
SESSION FOUR: The Link Between Trauma and Codependency
This session is all about learning to acknowledge and then move beyond our pasts in order to create a brighter future!
As codependents, we were never taught to set healthy boundaries. But, the wounding most of us experienced in our early childhoods goes far beyond this …
Whether we were neglected, abused, and left feeling invisible, never loved or appreciated for who we were (which is, in itself, a form of emotional or psychological abuse), or we were abused in some other way, we must learn to acknowledge and then move beyond our pasts in order to create a brighter future.
So, that’s precisely what you’ll learn to do in this session!
Questions to Ask Yourself and Journal
- Do I allow others to twist my thoughts?
- Do I have difficulty standing my own ground?
- Do I easily acquiesce to others’ emotions, needs, wants or desires?
- Do I depend on others and/or attach to others?
- Do I fail to protect myself from others’ emotional, verbal, physical, or financial abuse?
- Do I tolerate draining conversations and relationships?
- Do I overcommit?
- Am I overly agreeing?
- Am I over-accommodating?
- Do I attach to others without knowing who the other person really is?
- Do I share too much personal information with others too quickly?
- Do I come on too strong when attracted to someone?
- Do I obsess about people I do not know?
- Do I tend to fall head over heels for people I hardly know?
- Do I fail to understand the authentic meaning of trust?
- Do I trust people who have proven they are not trustworthy?
- Do I do for others what others can do for themselves?
- Do I overextend myself?
- Do I deny when I am being abused?
- Do I feel responsible for someone else’s feelings?
- Do I give in when others whine, cry, threaten, or leave?
- Do I fear abandonment and feelings of loneliness?
SESSION FIVE: Dysfunctional Families and the Secrets You Keep
Just as we must come to terms with, and learn to acknowledge and move past our earlier life traumas, we must also learn to let go of the secrets and fantasies we learned to create and keep about ourselves and our families.
When we’re young, we often need to create illusions in order to protect ourselves. But, when we carry these faulty perceptions and fantasies of other people and situations into our adulthood, they ruin our chances of finding and creating something a truly wonderful.
We need to become capable of accepting people, places, and things as they are.
So, in this session, we’ll spend a good deal of time making sure you can live in the reality of what is, so you have a much better opportunity of having healthier relationships by letting go of the negative energy and the fantasy of your illusions while holding on to the love.
Questions to Ask Yourself and Journal
- How has not talking about the person or people who hurt you been carried into your adult life?
- How do those secrets feel in your body?
- Name any reasons you may have to continue to protect those who hurt you …
- How is this serving you?
- Are you willing to let go?
- Did you grow up being the “parentified” child or little adult taking on adult responsibilities?
- What effects have being a “parentified” child had on your adult relationships?
- Do you fear closeness in your adult relationships because your caregivers/parents were not trustworthy?
- Are you attracted to unavailable partners?
SESSION SIX: Loving Your Inner Child
Unlike ordinary shame, “internalized shame” hangs around and alters our self-image. It’s shame that has become “toxic.”
For some people toxic shame can consume their personalities, while for others of us it lies beneath our conscious awareness, but can easily be triggered and cause us to feel unattractive, stupid, inadequate, unlovable, or as if we’re an impostor or failure.
As codependents, we need to learn to let go of our toxic shame … and this is something we should NOT try to deal with in isolation.
When you’re already punishing yourself, you don’t need to further hurt the child hurting inside you by remaining alone, which is why getting support can be so beneficial!
Questions to Ask Yourself and Journal
- Ask your inner child what made you feel unsafe and frightened?
- Do you do more then you should for others because you grew up thinking that was what you were supposed to do?
- What did you parents or caregivers (or single parent) model for you in terms of their relationship?
- Did you use fantasy to escape the chaos in your childhood?
- What parts of yourself did you hide because you were dismissed or afraid to be the real you?
- Have you spent your life frantically searching for others to cherish, bond and connect with you?
- Can you identify any neglect, abuse, or any fracture in early attachment where trauma occurred, and who was involved?
- How have abandonment issues affected your adult relationships?
- Do you still hold toxic shame from childhood trauma? And how does that manifest in your relationships?
- What does your adult self want to say to your wounded inner child?
SESSION SEVEN: The Codependent-Narcissist Relationship
One definition of a codependent is someone who feels responsible for other people’s feelings, problems, and behaviors to the exclusion of themselves.
While this isn’t the only definition of codependency, codependents are, in general, willing to sacrifice their own emotional, mental, and physical well-being (and even safety) in order to sustain their relationships and take care of their partners and family members.
Given this, it should come as little surprise that us codependents can easily “fall” for the attention and charms of partners on the narcissistic spectrum, and narcissists can quickly become enamored with what we as codependents offer, namely complete control of the relationship.
Accordingly, in this session we’ll not only be looking at how to recognize people on the narcissistic spectrum, but also, as part of learning how to set healthy boundaries, we’ll cover how to find or create the relationships we know deep down inside are possible by doing the healing work necessary to love ourselves enough not to get involved in another dysfunctional relationship.
Questions to Ask Yourself and Journal
- What unhealed parts in your life allowed you to attract a narcissist?
- What early childhood wounds need to be explored?
- How do you react to the narcissist in your life?
- How has the narcissist’s behavior affected your mental health?
- Were you able to let go of the narcissist and how did letting go affect you?
- What boundaries have you let the narcissist in your life cross?
- Did you believe you could change your narcissist and how did that work out for you?
- Do you believe you have developed post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from being with a narcissist?
- If in a relationship with a narcissist, do you recognize that you’re doubting yourself more than you ever have before?
- Do you feel crazy and confused in the relationship with your narcissist? And if so, how?
- Does your narcissist gaslight you, and if so, how?
- Does the narcissist in your life hyper focus on you, control you, and/or make you feel you are helpless and incapable of taking care of yourself?
SESSION EIGHT: Avoiding Burnout and Practicing Self-Care
A vital ingredient in being able to break free from codependency is learning how to put yourself first.
As I’ve said before, as much as us codependents would like to convince ourselves otherwise, we honestly can’t take care of anyone else until we learn to take care of ourselves.
And, this isn’t confined to simply setting healthy boundaries … it means learning how to connect with your mind, body and spirit and create greater habits and expressions of self-love that empower you to achieve the relationships and life you truly desire.
So, in this session we’ll spend a good deal of time working to engender these habits so you can sustain your breakthrough and recovery from codependency well beyond this 8-session “Breaking Free from Codependency” course is over!
Click Here to Download the Recording for Session Eight: Avoiding Burnout and Practicing Self-Care >>
Questions to Ask Yourself and Journal
- Do you often experience irritability?
- Do you experience “depersonalization” (as if you’re watching your life as an outside observer)?
- Are you “too tired to sleep?”
- Do you have physical ailments from stress?
- Do you have feelings of self-contempt?
- Have you experienced recent weight loss/gain from lack of appetite/stress eating?
- Do you have a lack of energy?
- Are you not taking care of your appearance?
- Are you abusing substances or do you have other addictive behaviors that you use to self-soothe, such as shopping, sex, food, the internet, or even work?
- List those in your life who are the “takers” and “manipulators,” as well as how they take and manipulate.
- List any “givers” in your life and ask yourself how you receive from them.
- Do you make time for self-care?
- Do you take time to nourish your whole self?
- Are you a priority in your own life?
- Do you have the courage to say “no” and set healthy boundaries?
- Do you nurture your passions and creativity by doing things you love?
- Do you choose to be blissfully happy and healthy in mind, body and spirit?
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES: Journaling Prompts
Questions to Ask Yourself and Journal
- When was my first memory of feeling rejected?
- When was the first time I remember feeling like all I had to do was figure out a way to get others to love me, or like me (“Maybe if I do this or that …?” thinking)
- When was the first time I tried to make someone love me?
- When was the first time I remember feeling deeply wounded by someone I believed I needed to approve of me?
- When was the first time I fantasized about being rescued or about rescuing?
- How have I attached to things or people outside of myself to avoid the pain of inner alienation?
- When have I confused pity with love?
- When have I sold myself out for the sake of someone else?
- As a child, when did love and kindness not come back to me?
- As an adult, when has love, compassion, empathy and kindness not come back to me?
- When in my adult life have I been aware I violated my own boundaries?
- When have I ignored that I’ve felt others were violating my boundaries?
- When in my adult life do I act out of fear rather than from a sense of power?
- How can I learn to become more comfortable in my own skin, listening to my own heart?
- How can I become more comfortable with being uncomfortable when others do not approve of me?
- How can I learn to stop seeking others’ approval?
- How have my childhood experiences helped create codependent thinking in me?
- What symptoms of codependency can I relate to?
- Who in my life do I consider codependent?
- What relationships in my life have been codependent?
- On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the strongest), how strong has the fear of not being good enough been in my life?
- Who was the first person in my life that taught me to be afraid of what they thought about me?
- Who in my life do I believe enjoyed withholding love, validation and appreciation for me?
- How often did I feel ignored as a child?
- When did I begin to realize something was wrong with either my family or with the way I related to the world?
- How has growing up not feeling connected to my self impacted my life … emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, and relationally?
- When do I first remember feeling guilt and shame?
Boundaries (how others taught us to not have boundaries)
- How was I taught that my feelings were irrelevant?
- How did I know my thoughts, ideas, wants and needs did not matter?
- How did my parents treat one another?
- How tolerant were my parents of one another?
- How accepting were my parents of other people’s opinions?
- In what ways was I shown that I had no right to feel what I felt?
- How did my parents respond to my emotions?
- How did my parents react to anger?
- What were the main emotions I could sense my parents emit?
- How did I disown my feelings?
Inner Reality vs Others’ Reality
- How did my parents respond when I needed something (e.g. money for school-clothes)?
- How did my parents respond when I brought home a test?
- How did my parents ignore my reality?
- How did my parents react when I was emotionally upset?
- How did I hide my feelings for my parents?
- When did I know I did not have a right to express my reality (emotions)?
- When did I feel like my parents were being fake?
- What did I do with my fear (the fear my parents ignored)?
- How did I deal with not being able to express the trauma of my childhood?
- How in my adult life have I ignored my inner reality (red flags) and instead pretended to go along with someone else’s reality?
- When in my adult life do I see myself ignoring my inner reality (my wants and needs) for the needs of an unhealthy other?
- In the past, when do I know I absolutely ignored my own inner reality for the sake of someone else’s reality, perhaps to hold on to a failed relationship?
- How often do I pretend to like someone (inner reality) when I do not really like then?
Dependency Struggles/Lack of Self
- When was my first memory of being abandoned emotionally?
- When do I remember being physically abandoned?
- Who do I feel rejected me as a child?
- How did I know I was being rejected as a child?
- How was I treated as a child?
- Did I ever feel like I belonged as a child, and if not, how did I know I was not being taught or shown I belonged?
- How was I taught as a child that I was not enough?
BONUS: How to Stop Being Manipulated by Others
BONUS: How to Heal Your Broken Heart E-Course
This course is designed for anyone that is suffering with a broken heart, grieving the loss of a relationship, and wanting to change negative habits. This program will provide the opportunity to make changes in your future relationships that are positive and transforming.
Topics covered include:
- What motivates you to choose your partner?
- Create a positive emotional energy around your future relationships.
- Change your destructive relationship patterns.
- Techniques to make changes in the way you value appreciate and care for yourself.
- Prepare yourself to welcome people that are positive, caring and loving towards you into your life.
Click Here to Access the How to Heal Your Broken Heart E-Course >>
BONUS: How to Overcome and Heal from Clingy, Obsessive, and Impulsive Behavior
BONUS: Break Free from Your Enabler Role Workshop
By the end of these two audio sessions, you’ll be armed with a CYCLE BREAKER LIST on how to take action against enabling behaviors … Get ready to reclaim CONTROL over who you are and REBUILD your life!
Session 1:
Session 2:
Or, download the recordings and worksheet for later …
Click Here to Download Session #1 of the Break Free from Your Enabler Role Workshop >>
Click Here to Download Session #2 of the Break Free from Your Enabler Role Workshop >>
Click Here to Download Your Break Free from Your Enabler Role Support Guide Worksheet PDF >>