Welcome to Breaking Free from Love Addiction
Access each session, all of the exercises, and the questions and comments below …
SESSION ONE: Are You Really A Relationship Junkie? Toxic Relationships and Love Addiction
These are the worksheets you’ll be filling in throughout this module. Print these out and keep them close by as you’ll complete them in different steps:
If you prefer the audio recording, you can access it here …
Journaling Prompts for What is Love Addiction?
Please create a journal on your computer and write out your answers. Offer as many details as you can. Do not be embarrassed. Describing the problem is the beginning of change.
- What kind of love addict do you identify the most? Describe your love addiction.
- Discuss other forms of love addiction you might have.
- Are you also an avoidant or ambivalent? Discuss this.
- Are these kinds of love addiction/love avoidance a patter in your life. If so, discuss this.
- How old were you when this started and are you still involved in an addiction relationships.
Activity 1
Make a list of the things you have achieved in your life – these can be work related or family related. Did you finish high school? Did you finish college? Did you earn a raise at work or an award for your work? These can be simple things, as well, or recovery related. Your sense of deserving is tied in with your self-confidence and self-esteem. Each and every one of us has something that we’ve achieved or accomplished or completed that we can be proud of. List your top three accomplishments – what is one thing in your life or one goal that you had that you didn’t give up on until you completed it? The key is to look at what you have already achieved …
Activity 2
So, how can we change how we view ourselves to allow the change we crave and let go of all those negative images and thoughts? Believe it or not, all it takes is a few simple steps. To get you started try the following:
- Clearly articulate what you want in life and why it is important to you. This is not tangible items like a car or a house, but rather it is what they represent. A feeling of freedom and accomplishment, a sense of security and connection with the world around you – whatever is your deepest desire.
- Write down one thing that happens every day that has taken you one step closer to your goals. This could include taking a class, applying for a new job, meeting a new person, taking up a new hobby, keeping a promise to a family member or friend or whatever else you do that is replacing something negative with something positive.
- Keep a record of positive comments made to you by friends, family members and even strangers. Reviewing these positives and reflecting back on what you did at the time can help replace those internal negative messages with ones that are much more accurate and true to the positive person you are.
Before long you will find that you attract more positive experiences and people and, once you see yourself in a sober, productive and positive light, real change will occur all on its own.
Activity 3
Why not try an activity to see how the universe would view your life? To do this you need to understand the Law of Attraction. This is a basic principle that relates to the way that things occur in the world based on your own individual actions. Imagine that the universe is energy and it flows around everyone and everything. The flowing energy is naturally attracted to similar types of energy that you are sending out into the world around you. If you send out positive energy; positive energy surrounds you. If you send out negative, the same thing happens; the energy from the universe that surrounds you will be negative. This is because while you are sending out negative you cannot receive positive because you are blocking all the good that is out there.
Try this exercise by finding a quiet spot and just sit comfortably and relax. Turn off the TV, the phone, the computer and the music and just be. Once you are in this physical and mental state:
- Think about something memorable that you want to have happen in your life. Imagine how you thought about that event in the past. Did you imagine it happening? Did you anticipate the event or dread it? Is it something you are trying to avoid or are you allowing it to be manifested?
- Imagine how something out in the universe would view the event. Are you expending positive or negative energy in your thinking about the event? Are your thoughts telling you what you desire will not happen because you are buying into “not good enough” feelings? Is it something you feel confident will happen?
- If your thoughts about the event are negative, think about how you can change your thinking around that event. Can you welcome a positive alternate option? What options are blocked because you are holding on to the negative thoughts instead of opening up to the positive?
Spending a few minutes each day in this type of reflection will help you develop a positive framework for thinking of things in the future. You can start to do this activity with big goals as well as small to really set your positive frame of mind.
Affirmations
I AM increasingly confident in my ability to create the life I desire.
I AM making a meaningful contribution to the world.
I am able to accomplish my goals because I am physically and emotionally relaxed and in complete balance and harmony.
Meditation
This is one of my favorite meditations from Ed and Deb Shapiro, authors of Be the Change, How Meditation Can Transform you and the World.
Loving Self-Meditation
Find a comfortable and upright place to sit. Take a few deep breaths, and watch the flow of your breath as it enters and leaves.
Bring your focus to your heart, and as you breathe in, feel as if your heart is opening and softening; as you breathe out, release any tension or resistance.
Now bring into your heart either an image of yourself or repeat your name, and hold yourself in your heart, tenderly and gently. Silently repeat, “May I be freed from self-doubt, may I be happy, may all things go well for me.”
Keep breathing into your heart, holding yourself with love and repeating the words. This will generate a deep, loving kindness and appreciation for yourself.
When you are ready, take a deep breath and let it go. Then go about your day with a caring heart and a smile on your lips.
SESSION TWO: Falling in Love with an Unavailable Person and the Progression of Love Addiction
These are the worksheets you’ll be filling in throughout this module. Print these out and keep them close by as you’ll complete them in different steps:
If you prefer the audio recording, you can access it here …
Activity 1
Do you know your “why?”
Examples: to be a great parent, to have a successful career, to make a difference in the world.
Take out a piece of paper, ask yourself, and write down the following:
- What dreams did you have as a child?
- What dreams do you have as an adult?
- Take a moment to reflect on your dreams. Have any of them come true?
- Have your dreams manifested in unexpected ways?
- How have your dreams changed or evolved since you were a child?
After taking a moment to think about the dreams that you had as a child and the dreams that you now have as an adult, what new dream will you create?
Write down your new dream in 2-3 sentences. Speak your new dream out loud. Speak from a place of confidence, as if your dream has already manifested.
The confidence heard in your voice tells the universe what events you desire to have manifested in your life.
Activity Debrief Questions:
“What did you notice about the dream you had as a child and the dream you have as an adult?”
“Did your dream change a great deal or is it still the same?”
Activity 2
One way to help organize your thoughts about your life purpose is by asking yourself some questions and writing down the answers. The process of organizing and writing down your thoughts can help clarify your current situation, how you would like to move forward in your recovery, and in your life. Keeping track of your progress will also remind you of how much you have accomplished.
On a notepad, journal or piece of paper, make a list of five things you would like to accomplish that will enrich your life or recovery process. Do this by completing the sentence, “My life/recovery is enriched when ______________.”
Examples might include:
Ask yourself what you are tolerating in your life that keeps you from accomplishing your life purpose/recovery goals. Complete the sentence, “I cannot reach my recovery/life purpose goals because ______________.”
List five action steps you will take in the coming week to begin reaching your recovery and life purpose goals, so you can fulfill your deepest desires.
At the end of the week, ask yourself, “What have I done this week toward reaching my recovery/life purpose goals?”
Now that you know what you have accomplished this week, complete the sentence, “I feel ____________ as I move closer to reaching my purpose.”
Activity 3
Remember that in order for your dream to manifest into reality, you must take action. You must have forward momentum towards your dream.
What is one action step that you are willing to do right now, that will put you on the right path? Take a moment to write that one action step down on a Post-It. You don’t have to share it with anyone. This written action step is a promise that you are making to yourself, that honors your commitment to your vision and towards you living your life … on purpose with intention.
Tip: keep this Post-It in your wallet or in your purse. By having the physical representation of the verbal promise you have made to yourself, you will have a concrete reminder that you are destined to achieve your goals and live your dream.
Affirmations
I radiate confidence into the world.
I radiate generosity into the world.
I give gratitude to the world.
Meditation
Many of us are impulse driven by our immediate need for gratification. Without a conscious awareness of negative habits and behaviors that sabotage your efforts to live your purpose with intention, you will fall into the same self-damaging patterns over and over again. We all need to regularly center ourselves and create inner silence to remain in alignment with our purpose with intention. Set aside 15 minutes to meditate. This will silence the internal and external noise that will create chaos in your everyday life.
- Take 3 deep breaths and close your eyes. Concentrate on your breaths. As you are doing this remind your body and mind that they are at peace.
- Breathe in deeply and exhale slowly.
- Become aware of the stillness of your mind, allowing the universe to communicate with you.
- As thoughts enter your mind’s eye, acknowledge the thoughts but do not linger with them. As quickly as they enter your mind, let them return to the universe.
- Continue to tell yourself that your soul is at peace, your mind is quiet, your body is still, and you are willing to listen to the universe.
- Your mind feels light and free from worries.
- You become aware of the state of your real nature, becoming calm, relaxed, and comfortable being alone and only concentrating on maintaining peace and stillness.
- As you concentrate on the thoughts that enter your mind, stay with them for a moment, envision those feelings turning into a white light, a warm and safe white light, slowly leaving your mind and returning to the universe.
- Repeat out loud: “I radiate peace & light into the world. I radiate love into the world. I release positive energy into the world.”
- As you concentrate on your breathing, slowly count to 10. When you have reached the number 10, remind yourself that your soul is at peace, you are one with the stillness that you have created in your mind and spirit.
- You feel content. You feel complete. You are whole.
SESSION THREE: The Link Between Obsession & Abandonment
These are the worksheets you’ll be filling in throughout this module. Print these out and keep them close by as you’ll complete them in different steps:
Getting clarity about where your fantasies originate can help you see more clearly why you hold on to them and what it will take to let them go.
- Why am I holding on so tightly to this fantasy?
- What is so alluring about this fantasy?
- Is this kind of perfect partner even possible?
- Where did I learn that I could only be happy if I am in a relationship?
If you prefer the audio recording, you can access it here …
Activity 1
A useful tool that empowers you to make conscious positive decisions is positive affirmations. You have the power over the choices you make and now is the moment to infuse those choices with positive energy. Our lives are a manifestation of what we think and what we believe. When you embrace the positive, your life will change. You will feel better about yourself and you will be able to embrace everything that you want to achieve. Positive affirmations empower you to envision what your life should be like. You have the power to choose your life’s path; using positive affirmations will begin this journey.
To create positive affirmations, start with writing down three beliefs that you have about yourself. Are these thoughts positive or negative? If your words invoke negativity, rewrite the statement with a positive twist. If your words invoke positive energy, leave them as is, without changing them. If you need assistance writing three positive statements about yourself, use the following examples as prompts:
- My life is filled with fun and friendship.
- I accept compliments and praise.
- I choose to open my heart to the wonderful things the universe wants me to receive.
- I receive greatness and am worthy of an abundant life.
Take a few minutes of every morning to repeat your positive affirmations in the mirror out loud. You can even write down these affirmations and keep them with you. They can be a constant prompt, throughout the day, reminding you that you are worthy of amazing things.
Activity 2
What is a current goal or dream you have?
Examples may include: selling a house, starting a business, buying a house, expanding your business, and going back to school for a degree.
Now, take out a piece of paper.
Fold it in half.
List all the reasons you think this dream will succeed on the right side of the paper.
List all the reasons you think this dream will fail on the left side.
Give yourself three minutes to complete this exercise. While time elapses, say things like: “Don’t edit your comments,” “Let your responses flow naturally,” and give time cues. For example, “We have about a minute left …”
Activity Debrief Questions:
“What did you notice about your lists?”
“Did you have more on the negative or positive side?”
“Does anyone want to share or have questions?”
Activity 3
Draw a Map
Putting pen to paper is an extremely powerful tool. Write down what you want and draw a map showing you the way. Having a concrete plan of action in your hands will keep you grounded, centered and focused. It is difficult to stray from a positive path when the ultimate goal is clearly defined. If you find that you are going in the wrong direction, simply take a moment to breathe, reflect and embrace what the universe is telling you. You will find yourself heading back in the right direction with ease.
Affirmations
My life is filled with fun and friendship.
I accept compliments and praise.
I choose to open my heart to the wonderful things the universe wants me to receive.
I receive greatness and am worthy of an abundant life.
Meditation for Toxic Relationships and Love Addiction
SESSION FOUR: Settling for Less Stops Here
These are the worksheets you’ll be filling in throughout this module. Print these out and keep them close by as you’ll complete them in different steps:
Journaling Prompts:
Do I get hooked on the illusion of who I think my partner is or could be rather than accepting the reality of the situation?
What lies have I been willing to tell so I don’t have to face my own emptiness and fear of abandonment?
What keeps me from letting go to face my own demons?
How often have I lied to myself, believing I can change or fix my partner?
What have been the results of falling for potential?
When have I let romantic words or gestures such as (“You are my one and only,” “I will love you forever,” or “You are the only one for me”) cloud my judgment?
If you prefer the audio recording, you can access it here …
Activity 1
Journaling gives you the opportunity to observe your inner growth and at the same time see how it effects your outer manifestations. Journaling can be an effective tool for expressing your meditative experiences, exploring your passions, desires, values, and dreams; as well as negative habits so you can reverse them. Also, it is a tool for gaining insights into your dreams, celebrating your successes, and recognizing your thought patterns; both negative and positive.
Some effective ways to organize your journal is to keep a daily log of your inner thoughts and feelings, successes or accomplishments, meditative insights, and most importantly a gratitude list. Not only keep track of what you are grateful for, but what is it you are not grateful for and how that may be a blessing. For example, you may not be grateful if you are having problems at work, but grateful the experience is allowing you to re-evaluate what it is you would love to do with your work and career life.
Some other journaling tips are to keep a log of conversations with your authentic self. This is a place where you can dig deep and get truthful as to what is really going on with you. This is where you can begin to look at issues that are underneath the surface and what those issues are revealing to you on a much deeper level. Also keep track of your dreams and what they are attempting to communicate with you. This is where you subconscious meets your conscious mind with inner wisdom and insights that are stirring even deeper within your soul.
Activity 2
People in recovery are taught that recovery is an inside job. They are taught over and over again not to compare their insides with other’s outsides. This is so true when you look at purpose and/or finding your authentic self. In the classic book, The Science of Being Great, Wallace Wattles states: “You will never do great things in the external world until you think great things in the internal world.”
The point of power lies within you. There is nothing outside your life – whether you are looking at your addictions, your past, your finances, or your environment – that is greater then what you are capable of changing at any given moment. Your circumstances do not define you.
Ask yourself the following questions when determining the changes you want to make. This will empower you to befriend the fears that are holding you back from the life you truly want.
- Will the changes make you feel more alive?
- Do the changes align with what you value most in life?
- Do the changes allow you to become a greater version of yourself?
- Will the changes be positive for those around you?
Activity 3
The Universe loves gratitude. Recovery loves gratitude. When you give to the Universe, the Universe gives back. This is law. The feeling of emptiness that addicts and alcoholics feel comes from a feeling of lack and a feeling of not deserving. We are taught to look at what we don’t have, which only brings more feelings of lack and emptiness. Addicts and alcoholics are taught to look at their past transgressions which can be beneficial on one hand, so they never forget the past and how they have suffered from their disease. However, perhaps, maybe it would be more useful to spend more time looking at the lessons they have learned from their mistake and then expressing gratitude for these lessons and let them go. What would happen if you came from a space of joy, pleasure, and gratitude? Everyday wake up and go to sleep with gratitude in your heart and watch more things to be grateful for attracted back to you. Gratitude allows you to shift perspectives. Fear, worry, judgment is replaced with faith, acceptance, and openness to a life that aligns with peace, love, and joy.
- Write five things you are grateful for and five things you are not grateful for and how those things are blessings.
- Take a moment and meditate on how your body feels as you notice those things you are grateful for and the blessings you have gained by the things you are not grateful for.
Affirmations
I release all fear from my life.
My thoughts are filled with peace and tranquility.
I replace all of the fear I feel with love.
I am safe.
Meditation for Toxic Relationships
This wonderful meditation is called “Sea of Tranquility” from Jeffrey Brantley, M.D., and Wendy Millstine, NC, in their book Daily Meditations for Calming Your Anxious Mind.
- Close your eyes and visualize yourself at the beach, sitting on the warm sands, with a refreshing sea breeze sprinkling your whole body. You are safe and secure. You are watching the waves drift in and out, over and over again. Each wave is like your breath, rising up inside from deep within and then releasing and returning out to sea.
- What do you notice about the surface of the ocean? It’s much like your life – some parts are rough, choppy, with impending waves of uncertainty pounding away. Breathe in these moments that are challenging and upsetting. Remember that you have the stability and strength to weather the storm. Breathe out your fears and doubts about the outcome. What will be will be. Only the waves can carry all your secrets and anxieties out to sea.
- What’s happening below the surface of the ocean? It is a calm, serene, quiet and contemplative underwater experience. Schools of fish are swimming to and fro. Sea plants are sashaying to a mysterious, musical current. Starfish cling to rocks in colorful display. Luminescent shards of sunlight splice through the water, transmitting warmth and radiance downward.
- Depending on what life tosses your way, you may be body surfing the big one or floating along a sea of serenity. Be mindful of the journey, the highs and lows, the good times and the bad, the joy and the pain. Move gently with each wave.
SESSION FIVE: Breaking Up to Break Through
These are the worksheets you’ll be filling in throughout this module. Print these out and keep them close by as you’ll complete them in different steps:
If you prefer the audio recording, you can access it here …
Homework
- Make a contract with yourself not to email, text, phone, instant message, or check social media with your ex. Don’t go places that you know they frequent just to make contact.
- Find supportive friends you can call any time when the urge hits you to reach out to your ex
- Join our FB group to get support from our other members
- Engage in self care. The acronym Halt is a great way to remember all the ways to take care of yourself: Avoid being hungry (H), angry (A), lonely (L), or tired (T).
- Journal when you get the urge to see your ex. Write about what happened that made you feel that way. Look for patterns and triggers you can avoid.
Activity 1
Journaling: Journaling is more than keeping a diary; it is a way of exploring the ideas in your conscious and subconscious mind. It can bring into focus your hopes and fears. This is a great way to work through your problems and find your solutions. Journaling is a tool to help you discover the wisdom that is already within you. After reviewing this activity, I encourage you to go out and buy a notebook, or pull an empty notebook from your shelf, and use this book only for journaling. Set aside 10-15 minutes at the beginning or end of each day (or try both!) to write in your journal. Be sure to put a date at the top of the page. For the sake of this exercise, simply open up a Word doc and we are going to spend the next 10 minutes journaling.
Start with typing or writing, if you have a piece of paper close to you, today’s date at the top of your page. The focus for this exercise is to just write. If you are familiar with The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, she stresses that what you write is not as important as getting the words on paper. For the next 10 minutes just write. What’s the first thing that comes to your mind? Don’t take time to pause and reflect, just write quickly and do not edit. The key to journaling is to silence your internal editor. You cannot do anything wrong and you can throw typos and grammar out the window. Embrace your typos!
Keep writing. What are you feeling right now? Excited? Overwhelmed? Bored? Even if you fill your page with “I don’t know what to write” over and over, it’s okay! Remember that we are just writing. Go with the flow.
Activity 2
Meditation & A Soulful Journey
We are going to begin the process of uncovering your authentic self. I encourage you to take time to go through each of these exercises during your down time. This will help you to demonstrate to your clients or yourself that journaling exercises require stillness, patience, and quiet.
Let’s take 10 minutes and begin this process. Let’s take three deep breaths. Breathing is so important. Take three deep full breaths, in through your nose, deep down into your belly, and out through your mouth. As you breathe, notice your thoughts, but don’t resist or try to censor any of them. Notice that they are only thoughts and do not need to be judged or acted upon. Just accept them for what they are – thoughts coming and going, nothing more.
Now, imagine yourself one year from now. Notice the atmosphere, whether you are alone or with someone else, the colors that surround you, the sky, and the ground beneath you, what you are wearing, what you are experiencing with all of your senses. When you imagine yourself this way, try to really see who you are. Remind yourself that we are only taking a brief glance today, but promise yourself that you will return to visit this place when you have more time.
With your eyes closed, breathe in the following questions and breathe out the answers.
- Am I doing what I need to do in most situations, despite my fears?
- Am I aware of my innermost thoughts and feelings?
- Am I aware of the filters that hide who I really am?
- Do I communicate honestly with myself and others or am I in denial?
- Is my behavior aligned with my purpose?
- Do my boundaries align with my true self?
- Do I allow my spiritual nature to unfold in my daily living?
Create in your mind the kind of authenticity that would serve you best. Embody that vision of yourself and trust that this part of you is always there to access. The universe is ready to unleash your true and authentic self.
Let’s take three more deep breaths. Slowly open your eyes and bring yourself back to the present. Congratulations!
Activity 3
This exercise is centered around the law of attraction. Remember how we said that the energy we put into the universe does indeed return to us. It’s time to attract from the universe everything that you are and everything that you are becoming. We are going to do this through more daily affirmations.
Affirmations are so important. We continue to talk about affirmations as a fantastic tool and one healthy habit that you incorporate into each day. It’s important to repeat these affirmations so that you embody and trust their messages. You can even put them on sticky notes around the house, in your car, your office, and any place that you see them every day. A great tip is to make your screensaver a positive affirmation or the wallpaper on your phone can be a positive affirmation. We all have busy days, so you can make a calendar reminder with yourself, to repeat your daily affirmations. When you see the affirmation on the notes, read them to yourself consciously and with awareness, even if you know them by heart.
Here are some possibilities:
- I am an authentic person and live my life in truth.
- I live my life by my belief system and the values that correspond with my beliefs.
- I trust the universal energy I put forth in my life.
- I love the person I am and who I am becoming.
- I do not live in denial but accept that I am on a journey of discovery.
- My identity is much more than the roles I play.
Affirmation
I no longer hide under a mask of false self-images, but embrace my true self.
Meditation for Toxic Relationships
Just breathe.
Find a comfortable and quiet place to take 10 minutes to only focus on breathing. Wear comfortable clothes and determine what position is the most ideal. For some, it could be sitting on the floor, for others it could be sitting on a chair or stretched out in your bed. The place and position aren’t as important, they just need to be comfortable and ideal for you.
Once you have chosen your posture, close your eyes and spend some time relaxing any tension that may be present, while breathing through your nose. This time spent observing and letting go of tension and relaxing aids the mind into practicing mindfulness as well as builds focus to be used for concentration. When the mind has stilled and settled, start focusing on a point around the head where the breath is most visible. It might be the lip, the nose tip, or the inner nose airways.
Keep a consistent focus on that one point. It is a recommended practice to count the breaths with each in and out breathing movement counting as 1, or if concentration is weak, the in-breath as 1, the out-breath as 2, while keeping counts up to 10 and then restarting.
This is a simple way to learn how to still your mind, body, and thoughts. Soon, this will become second nature. This is a great way to center and ground yourself during stressful moments, before stressful moments, during times of reflection, before you start your day, or when you want to relax and unwind after a long day. Breath is life.
SESSION SIX: Dating without Desperation: Recognizing “No Way” Relationships
These are the worksheets you’ll be filling in throughout this module. Print these out and keep them close by as you’ll complete them in different steps:
If you prefer the audio recording, you can access it here …
Journaling Prompts
- Do have a history of loving seductive withholders?
- Do you have a history of love avoiders?
- Do have a history of loving narcissists?
- What unhealed parts in your life allowed you to attract a narcissist?
- What early childhood wounds need to be explored?
Activity 1
Do you know what you value? We want to stay focused on the present moment. We will discuss how values evolve, change, and are influenced by outside factors … But, for now, we just want to focus on the present moment.
Let’s take a moment to get our journal or open up the Word doc that we’ve been using for the activities portion of these trainings. Take a moment to center yourself and think about your values.
When thinking about your values, it can be helpful to imagine yourself in the future as the person you wish to become. When you look at your future self, you can think about what values this person has.
Imagine yourself one year from now and write down how you see yourself living in terms of your personal relationships, health and well being, prosperity, and spiritual growth. Don’t define yourself by what you do for a living, but by whom you want to become as a person.
For the sake of time, list the first things that come to mind in terms of values.
Examples of values could include:
- Accountability
- Appreciation
- Creativity
- Dependability
- Generosity
- Honesty
- Patience
- Self-reliance
Now make a list of actions you are willing to take to become that person you want to be. Ask yourself if there are barriers that will try to hinder this journey. Make a list of strategies you will need to live in alignment with your values. Write down daily steps, weekly steps, monthly steps, and yearly steps. These small steps will not only help you achieve your goal in portions that are easy, but will also align you with your value to live a life of health and well-being. The small steps make up the big picture!!
Activity 2
Value affirmations will help you clarify and be in harmony with your values. When your values from the inside match your actions on the outside, you vibrate at a greater frequency; thus, allowing goals to be achieved with ease and grace. These affirmations enable you to stay true to your values and to move forward, rather than staying stuck in old values that no longer resonate with who you are now.
Let’s take a look at the list of values that we discussed in the first exercise.
- Accountability
- Appreciation
- Creativity
- Dependability
- Generosity
- Honesty
- Patience
- Self-reliance
Now let’s turn these values into positive affirmations. I will list a few as examples and you can use the ones I’m listing or create your own …
- My actions align with the values I believe in.
- My energy is aligned with the goals I was put on Earth to accomplish.
- I no longer use fear as a way to avoid pursuing my dreams.
- My values honor my true nature by staying away from toxic people, places, and things.
- I value taking care of my body, my mind, and my spirit.
- I value fun and take time to enjoy life.
- I value feeling connected to my friends and family.
Activity 3
A vision consists of the details of what you want your life to look and feel like. The more detailed your vision is, the greater chances it will be magnetized to you exactly as you describe it. A vision statement describes what it is you truly love. Go through the wheel of life – and be as specific as possible using all your senses of what it is that would give you the greatest joy in each of these areas:
- Physical Environment
- Career
- Money
- Health
- Fun & Recreation
- Personal Growth
- Family & Friends
When you imagine how you envision your life, always think of it in the present as if you are already stepping in to the life you would love to be living. Know that your vision is always at work with spirit and that this or something even more amazing is on its way.
As the vision process begins to manifest, you’re stepping into living an authentic life. You will discover what is working and what is not and how you can modify and move forward.
Affirmation
My energy flows in the direction of my values.
Lovingkindness Meditation
Imagine yourself standing on the shore of a vast ocean. Your feet feel the sand gently wash over them as a wave rolls in, then the sand pulls away as the wave rolls out. You hear only the sound of the moving water. Notice what this image feels like throughout your body in all your senses. Visualize where you want to be in your life one year, five years, and ten years from now – without any limitations. Breathe the sea air and just notice what comes up for you.
Now that you are seeing yourself where you want to be, begin to ask yourself the following questions. Breathe in the questions and breathe out the answers:
- What is the landscape?
- What am I wearing?
- Am I alone? If not, who is with me?
- What does my life’s work look like?
- What type of intimate relationship am I in?
- Am I a parent?
- Am I in school?
- What type of friends and social life do I have?
- How is my health and well being?
- What is my relationship like with my higher power?
- What do I have faith in?
- What am I contributing to the universe?
- How do I play and have fun?
- What will my legacy be?
SESSION SEVEN: Ditch the Desperation: The Progression of Healthy and Authentic Relationships
These are the worksheets you’ll be filling in throughout this module. Print these out and keep them close by as you’ll complete them in different steps:
If you prefer the audio recording, you can access it here …
Journaling Prompts
- Make a list of qualities that are mandatory in a partner and the qualities that are optional.
- Ask yourself the following questions to see if you are with a compatible partner or in an unhealthy relationship.
- Is my partner honest?
- Is my partner not afraid of commitment?
- Is my partner cooperative?
- Is my partner self-aware?
- Does my partner know their own worth?
- Is my partner a good communicator?
- Does my partner understand nurture their inner child?
- Does my partner have similar values to mine?
- Is my partner emotionally intelligent?
- Is my partner controlling?
- Does my partner have boundaries and respects mine?
- Does my partner have time for me?
- Is my partner easy to be with?
- Is my partner able to negotiate our differences?
- Does my partner balance our relationship with other interests?
- Does my partner encourage me to feel independent?
- Does my partner make me laugh?
- Does my partner respect me?
- Does my partner value and cherish me?
- Does my partner make me feel loved?
Activity 1
In order for us to find our path, we must begin with where we currently are. We can’t move forward until we know where, on the map of life, we’re currently located. We’re going to close our eyes for a moment and take three deep breaths.
Our first deep breath is to bring us to the present moment. Breathe in (count to 3). Breathe in the present moment, exactly where you are at this very moment. Now, let’s breathe out (count to 3). Breathe out your day, any of the stress – good or bad – and all of the events that occurred before this very moment. Do not think of what you need to do after this session. Focus only on this moment.
Pause for a minute to let this set in.
Our second breath is to focus on your worth. Breathe in (count to 3). Breathe in positive energy. You are giving yourself the gift of empowerment. Now let’s breathe out (count to 3). Breathe out all of your responsibilities, negative thoughts that are in your mind’s eye currently that are revolving around you.
Pause for a minute to let this set in.
Our third breath is for having an open mind. Breathe in (count to 3). Breathe in the gift of having an open mind. Open up to what you will receive and open up to the possibilities that await you. Be open to empowerment. Breathe out (count to 3). Breathe out any weight that is lingering. You are here. Focus on the now and smile.
Pause for a minute to let this set in.
I am going to ask a few questions and I would like for you to write down the first answer that comes to your mind. You will have time to review these answers after this session; but for right now, simply write down the first answer that pops into your mind. When we’re faced with decisions or questions, your head will analyze and try to find the “right” answer; but it is in our gut reaction, deep in our belly, that we find the truth. This is where we can “see” what the truth is. The truth for who we are right at this moment. We cannot move towards living a life true to OUR right action if we don’t know how we truly view ourselves.
- Are the decisions that I am making matching my deepest desires?
- Are my actions creating joy for myself?
- Are my actions creating joy for others?
Activity 2
Please take 3 deep breaths – Breathe In – Count to 3 – Exhale. Focus on the following thought with each breath:
“Today, I can risk moving forward and trust myself, with the guidance of my Higher Power, to move in a right and orderly direction.”
Repeat this quote 3 times for each deep breath.
Thank you Sally Coleman and Nancy Hull-Mast for that amazing quote from Our Best Days.
Please think about and answer the following questions. Go with your gut answer first and foremost … You will have time to reflect on your answers afterwards. Remember that our “gut” or deep-belly answers are filled with our subconscious wisdom.
- What gifts do I have to offer the world in terms of talents?
- What skills have I developed?
- What things do I feel called to do?
- What social causes in the world move me?
- My natural gifts are ___________?
- How can I be of service to others?
Answering these questions will either awaken or elevate your level of “awareness.” You are here, right here and be “in” the now. The power of the present will empower you to take action to move towards your dreams. We can try to escape or avoid what our gut tells us, but the energy still exists. Some of these steps may hit a painful nerve, but this process is truly one day at a time. We can all make the most of these 24 hours. Imagine where you can go when you LIVE one day at a time WITH a goal in mind. The possibilities are endless. How cool is that?
Activity 3
Transcendence involves action. This forward momentum doesn’t need to be a big step. Consistent small steps will take us to our goal in a safe and secure way. Giant leaps leave many stones uncovered. When we take our time, every single step we take is with truth and authenticity. We are honoring ourselves with each step. There is peace. There is clarity. You are awake and aware. Living your life of right action.
What one step are you willing to take toward achieving your greatest desire? On a scale of 1-10, how committed are you? If your chose a number under 7, what will it take to have a commitment of 10?
Now write down that one step. Life is all about accountability. If we can’t be accountable to ourselves, how can we truly be accountable to anyone else?
Affirmation
My actions will be thought out with patience and integrity so that I do not act on my impulses.
Video Affirmations
Meditation
Find a quiet place to sit and be … a place that will be free of interruptions for at least 15 minutes. Take the first 5 minutes to read the following meditation from Louise L. Hay. Take the remaining 10 minutes to reflect on her beautiful message.
“I know I am one with all of life. I am surrounded and filled with infinite wisdom. Therefore, I rely totally on the Universe to support me in every positive way. I was created by life and was given this planet to fulfill all my needs. Everything I could possibly need is already here waiting for me. No matter what I choose to believe or think or say, the Universe always says, ‘Yes’ to me. I do not waste my time on negative thinking or negative subjects. I choose to see myself and life in the most positive ways. Therefore, I say, ‘Yes’ to opportunity and prosperity. I say, ‘Yes’ to all good. I am a ‘yes’ person living in a ‘yes’ world, being responded to by a ‘yes’ Universe, and I rejoice that this is so.”
From Inner Wisdom: Meditations for the Heart and Soul by Louise L. Hay
SESSION EIGHT: Hello, Healthy and Authentic Relationships
These are the worksheets you’ll be filling in throughout this module. Print these out and keep them close by as you’ll complete them in different steps:
If you prefer the audio recording, you can access it here …
An Emotional Inventory
Partners in a healthy relationship know who they are, feel good about themselves, and are ready to be in a relationship. Are you emotionally ready for a healthy relationship? Circle the statements that apply to you.
- I am worthy despite my faults.
- I am responsible
- I am authentic.
- I live by my values.
- I am trustworthy.
- I am open with my feelings.
- I am not clingy.
- I am not afraid of being alone.
- I can be alone without always feeling lonely.
- I participate in life.
- I don’t give up my interests for another person.
- I am good to myself.
- I believe in give and take in relationships.
- I am assertive.
- I have boundaries.
- I am working on myself.
- I have healthy associations.
- I am whole.
- Rejection does not make me spin out of control.
- I don’t take things personally.
- I’ve worked through my childhood issues.
- I can remove myself from unhealthy relationships.
- I’m comfortable in a healthy relationship.
- When a relationship is over, I know I can move on.
- I have balance in my life.
- I’ve learned how to let go.
If you have circled most of these statements, you are ready for a healthy relationship. If you have circled just a few of these statements, then you are partnering for all the wrong reasons and are setting yourself up for an unhealthy relationship. You still have work to do, an inner child to nurture, and wounds to heal.
Am I in a Healthy Relationship?
When you do get into a romantic relationship, you may find it hard to trust your intuition. Have you finally figured who the good ones are? Was this one worth waiting for? This list of qualities should help.
Circle the statements that describe your current relationship. I have chosen a partner who:
- Is honest
- Is not afraid of commitment
- Is cooperative
- Is self-aware
- Knows their own worth
- Is a good communicator
- Understands and nurtures their own inner child
- Has similar values to mine
- Is emotionally intelligent
- Is not controlling
- Has their own boundaries and respects mine
- Has time for me
- Is easy to be with
- Is able to negotiate our differences
- Is able to balance our relationship with other interests
- Encourages me to feel independent
- Makes me laugh
- Respects me
- Values and cherishes me
- Makes me feel loved
If you have circled most of these statements, you are most likely involved in a relationship with a compatible partner. If you have not circled many of these items, you may be in an unhealthy relationship and still prone to being in a relationship for all the wrong reasons. It might be time to let this relationship go. You deserve – and will find – someone better.
Activity 1
In our last module, we focused on where you are. We dug deep, and some uncomfortable thoughts may have come into our minds. We’ve looked in the mirror. Let’s make sure we cleaned off the residue on our mirror.
Finding a Way to Forgive
It’s not easy to forgive past hurts. When you forgive someone, although you are sending the thoughts outward, the process is also internal. The process of forgiving allows you to forgive yourself as you forgive others. This exercise will help you work through the forgiveness process.
Close your eyes and we’ll start with three deep breaths. With each breath we are breathing in forgiveness and breathing out resentment. Remind yourself that you are right here, right in this moment. Forgiveness is very personal and very powerful. There is no right or wrong way to forgive. If you find that it is too difficult to push past anger or resentment into forgiveness, that is okay. That simply means it is not the right time. Remind yourself that the time will come and what you are starting to do today will create a lifelong habit. If at any time you don’t feel comfortable, you can open your eyes and try this exercise at a later time.
Let’s begin …
Begin to breathe in someone you have been feeling resentment toward and who you need to forgive. Say to yourself (in your mind), “The person or situation I send forgiveness to is ______________________.”
(Examples might be, “I send forgiveness to my boss who fired me” or “I send forgiveness to my ex-boyfriend.”)
Think about the feelings that brought you pain about the person or situation you are forgiving. (Examples might be, “I felt betrayed and angry when my boss fired me” or “I felt scared and insecure when my ex-boyfriend verbally abused me.”)
Now breathe in and breathe out, letting go of the person or situation that caused you pain. Take a moment and cup your hands over your heart to feel compassion in your heart center for whatever it was that caused you to suffer.
Embrace the truth that whatever caused you pain was an experience brought to you for a purpose. Remind yourself that the universe always offers us the opportunity to heal through the process of forgiveness.
Now let’s take one big deep breath. In (hold for 2 seconds) and then out. Please open your eyes. Take a moment to stand up or move around a bit if you are able. Shake off any negative energy that may still be residing on the surface and smile. Even if you don’t feel like smiling … smile and look towards the sky. That was a HUGE thing that you just did! Congratulations!!!! Forgiveness is never easy, but it will get easier as you continue to practice these tools.
Studies show that forgiveness offers “both emotional and physical benefits, from decreased feelings of hurt, depression, and stress, to increased feelings of optimism and willingness to forgive others.” Forgiveness also makes room for vital energy that can be used for creative endeavors. How exciting is that? When we remove the negative emotions from resentments we’ve harbored, we open up space to plant a seed for creativity and transformation to emerge. While we’ve learned to forgive, we must also replace the negative energy that has had a tight hold on us with a new emotion that will bring us closer to positivity. We do this through compassion.
Activity 2
We are going to create a Fellowship Tree. You may be asking yourself, what is a Fellowship Tree and why would I want to create one? Remember what we’re talking about is compassion. It is about who we can be compassionate towards and how this results in having more positive and kind energy returned to us. Your Fellowship Tree will be a list of individuals that you can invite to “fellowship;” in whatever way you define “fellowship.” Imagine that you are about to plan a dinner party or a get together. For some of us, thinking of people to invite can be a nightmare. The key is to start with one.
Take out a piece of paper. Who do you know that has a dog? Write down that person’s name and draw a circle around it. Who else do you know that has a dog? Write down their names and draw lines connecting their names and the names above them? Great! Now look at the third name you wrote down and draw a circle around it. What’s one thing you can say about that person? (Do they golf, do they canoe, are they involved in any charities, do they have red hair, do they like to read, do they have kids, do they have grandkids?) Great! Now write down that trait and draw a circle around it and draw a line between that person’s name and the word/trait used to describe them or what they like to do. Who else do you know that shares that trait? Look at the second name you wrote down and draw a circle around it. What’s one thing you can say about that person? Draw a circle around what you can say about them and a line to their name. Who do you know that shares that same trait?
Let’s take a moment to look at the names that you wrote down. In the span of a few minutes, how many names did you come up with? Just think that if you sat for 5 minutes each week and did this exercise, your Fellowship Tree would be HUGE! What’s awesome about this exercise is you are creating not just a list of names, but a list of similarities between the people that you know. These similar interests are key. If you look at your list, I am sure that you will see names in the same list or names that share traits that you wouldn’t normally have lumped together as people who would share anything in common (other than the fact that they know you).
You can use your Fellowship Tree in so many different ways. Invite a few of the people on your list to have coffee. If there are a few people that all like to do the same thing, like golf or read, then you have a reason to invite them to do something that everyone will enjoy. The gift of a Fellowship Tree is that you now have a visual representation of who you can share the gift of compassion and connection with. You can also use this as a tool of appreciation. Appreciation is the third element that we will discuss during this module.
Activity 3
Showing appreciation does not have to be a huge grand gesture. One of the best ways to show appreciation is to acknowledge someone we care about. Take out your Fellowship Tree. Pick out one person from the list of names. Write down three amazing things about that person. Try to move past generalized statements such as (they are nice, they are pretty, they are sweet) and think of how you can really acknowledge them. Are they passionate? Are they generous? Are they kind? How do you “see” his or her greatness? The next step is to make a note to let this person know that they are appreciated. As soon as you’re done reading this activity, take action and let this person know that you appreciate them. You can write it in a card, send a quick text, give them a phone call, post something on their Facebook wall or even send them flowers. A small gesture to remind them that you see their greatness and that they are appreciated!
Affirmation
Affirmation: I appreciate the lessons I am learning during my journey towards my ultimate goal.
Meditation
Find a quiet place to sit and be. A place that will be free of interruption for at least 15 minutes. Take the first 5 minutes to read the following Gratitude Meditation. Take the remaining 10 minutes to breathe, reflect, and “be.”
This mediation will help you focus on what is around you and develop a new appreciation for it.
Take a few moments to begin breathing deeply. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Take a few more breaths. Thoughts of what you have or don’t have may come up as you practice this gratitude meditation. Just notice the thoughts that come and go. Don’t judge them or follow them. Begin to focus on something you are thankful for. It could be as simple as the fact that you are still breathing. Take a moment to notice what is good in your life. Don’t get caught up in the feeling that you should be grateful about anything in particular. Just be curious; if something comes up that you do appreciate, be open to it. Give yourself permission to not feel guilty if a feeling of gratitude doesn’t arise. Let that be okay. Let gratitude come up naturally and effortlessly. Notice how appreciation feels in your body, where your energy is flowing smoothly or is blocked. Allow whatever comes up to spread throughout your body. Notice what brings you contentment and ease. Now take a moment to consciously think about a person, place, or situation you appreciate. Ask yourself the following question:
Who and what do I appreciate at this very moment?
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES: Journaling Prompts
Questions to Ask Yourself and Journal
- When was my first memory of feeling rejected?
- When was the first time I remember feeling like all I had to do was figure out a way to get others to love me, or like me (“Maybe if I do this or that …?” thinking)
- When was the first time I tried to make someone love me?
- When was the first time I remember feeling deeply wounded by someone I believed I needed to approve of me?
- When was the first time I fantasized about being rescued or about rescuing?
- How have I attached to things or people outside of myself to avoid the pain of inner alienation?
- When have I confused pity with love?
- When have I sold myself out for the sake of someone else?
- As a child, when did love and kindness not come back to me?
- As an adult, when has love, compassion, empathy and kindness not come back to me?
- When in my adult life have I been aware I violated my own boundaries?
- When have I ignored that I’ve felt others were violating my boundaries?
- When in my adult life do I act out of fear rather than from a sense of power?
- How can I learn to become more comfortable in my own skin, listening to my own heart?
- How can I become more comfortable with being uncomfortable when others do not approve of me?
- How can I learn to stop seeking others’ approval?
- How have my childhood experiences helped create codependent thinking in me?
- What symptoms of codependency can I relate to?
- Who in my life do I consider codependent?
- What relationships in my life have been codependent?
- On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the strongest), how strong has the fear of not being good enough been in my life?
- Who was the first person in my life that taught me to be afraid of what they thought about me?
- Who in my life do I believe enjoyed withholding love, validation and appreciation for me?
- How often did I feel ignored as a child?
- When did I begin to realize something was wrong with either my family or with the way I related to the world?
- How has growing up not feeling connected to my self impacted my life … emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, and relationally?
- When do I first remember feeling guilt and shame?
Boundaries (how others taught us to not have boundaries)
- How was I taught that my feelings were irrelevant?
- How did I know my thoughts, ideas, wants and needs did not matter?
- How did my parents treat one another?
- How tolerant were my parents of one another?
- How accepting were my parents of other people’s opinions?
- In what ways was I shown that I had no right to feel what I felt?
- How did my parents respond to my emotions?
- How did my parents react to anger?
- What were the main emotions I could sense my parents emit?
- How did I disown my feelings?
Inner Reality vs Others’ Reality
- How did my parents respond when I needed something (e.g. money for school-clothes)?
- How did my parents respond when I brought home a test?
- How did my parents ignore my reality?
- How did my parents react when I was emotionally upset?
- How did I hide my feelings for my parents?
- When did I know I did not have a right to express my reality (emotions)?
- When did I feel like my parents were being fake?
- What did I do with my fear (the fear my parents ignored)?
- How did I deal with not being able to express the trauma of my childhood?
- How in my adult life have I ignored my inner reality (red flags) and instead pretended to go along with someone else’s reality?
- When in my adult life do I see myself ignoring my inner reality (my wants and needs) for the needs of an unhealthy other?
- In the past, when do I know I absolutely ignored my own inner reality for the sake of someone else’s reality, perhaps to hold on to a failed relationship?
- How often do I pretend to like someone (inner reality) when I do not really like then?
Dependency Struggles/Lack of Self
- When was my first memory of being abandoned emotionally?
- When do I remember being physically abandoned?
- Who do I feel rejected me as a child?
- How did I know I was being rejected as a child?
- How was I treated as a child?
- Did I ever feel like I belonged as a child, and if not, how did I know I was not being taught or shown I belonged?
- How was I taught as a child that I was not enough?
BONUS: How to Stop Being Manipulated by Others
BONUS: How to Heal Your Broken Heart E-Course
This course is designed for anyone that is suffering with a broken heart, grieving the loss of a relationship, and wanting to change negative habits. This program will provide the opportunity to make changes in your future relationships that are positive and transforming.
Topics covered include:
- What motivates you to choose your partner?
- Create a positive emotional energy around your future relationships.
- Change your destructive relationship patterns.
- Techniques to make changes in the way you value appreciate and care for yourself.
- Prepare yourself to welcome people that are positive, caring and loving towards you into your life.
Click Here to Access the How to Heal Your Broken Heart E-Course >>
BONUS: How to Overcome and Heal from Clingy, Obsessive, and Impulsive Behavior
BONUS: Break Free from Your Enabler Role Workshop
By the end of these two audio sessions, you’ll be armed with a CYCLE BREAKER LIST on how to take action against enabling behaviors … Get ready to reclaim CONTROL over who you are and REBUILD your life!
Session 1:
Session 2:
Or, download the recordings and worksheet for later …
Click Here to Download Session #1 of the Break Free from Your Enabler Role Workshop >>
Click Here to Download Session #2 of the Break Free from Your Enabler Role Workshop >>
Click Here to Download Your Break Free from Your Enabler Role Support Guide Worksheet PDF >>