Attraction is mysterious. Just why do we become attracted to certain people? Part of the answer lies in our history. We are attracted to our first love which is usually the parent of the opposite sex. We are also attracted to people who remind us of others (real people, movie stars, magazine models, etc.) who stimulated us while we were growing up. But this is all we know about attraction, so we call it chemistry because the attraction stimulates certain chemicals that make us high. But, let’s not allow the mystery of all this to worry us.

The most important thing we need to know about attraction is that it can be both a wonderful thing and a trap. If you are attracted to people capable of a healthy, fulfilling relationship then attraction is a good thing which leads to better things. If you are attracted to, say, people who have anger issues or is controlling, then attraction is not a good thing. I know I was always attracted to controlling men because my father, although amazing in so many ways, could be controlling. This was not good. It got me into a lot of trouble. So if you are attracted to the wrong personality type (for whatever reason) what do you do about it? Well you understand what is happening to you and then you avoid the people that get you into trouble.

Does this mean you have to give up attraction? No! You just need to train yourself to be attracted to the right type, like training yourself to eat right. You buy the right food and you eat it. You find a wonderful, healthy person and you let him or her grow on you. It is a little known fact that chemistry is not always instantaneous. It can happen at any time. This does not mean you must hang in there with someone who bores you to death, it just means you might give the right people a little more time. Then is there is no chemistry you move on. But you never go backwards. Once you identify the wrong type you never try to make it happen with that type of person. This is our insistent inner child trying to win back some lost love who was never available.

Sherry Gaba, LCSW is a Radio Host, Certified Transformation Coach and author of the award winning book Infinite Recovery: 6 Steps of Mindfulness, Positive Thinking, and the Law of Attraction to Break Free from Addiction and Wake Up Recovery Community. You can take her quiz to find out if you are co-dependent or sign up for a 30-minute strategy session with Sherry. Check out Sherry’s new book Love Smacked: How to Stop the Cycle of Relationship Addiction and Codependency to Find Everlasting Love.